Susan Hum | Simple Steps to Finding “The One”…
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Simple Steps to Finding “The One”…

Simple Steps to Finding “The One”…

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I often wondered over years of in/out of different relationships what it is like to find “the one”.  My first relationship started when I was 14 years old and lasted nearly 10 years.  Obviously, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to realize that was probably not the best thing for me.  I was spoiled and controlled that relationship along with everything and everyone else in my life.

Interestingly enough, even at a very young age, I have always had a very strong sense of who I was.  Needless to say, that first long term relationship was volatile but at the same time, because he was a very good man with a wonderful heart of gold, he taught me unconditional love.  Unfortunately, I was nowhere ready to reciprocate.  I was emotionally immature and didn’t know until many years later how important it was to give and take in a healthy relationship.  But, looking back in hindsight, I now understand that he was “The One” for “who I was back then”.

I have always been a romantic at heart.  I knew from early on that I wanted it all when it came to what type of man and what type of relationship I wanted.  There was no “settling” where choosing that “one” person to spend the rest of my life with.  I certainly was never going to accept anything less than what I desired.  That would have  just been an insult to my first relationship.   So began my soul search to finding The One.  As miserable as I was not having someone for the first time in a very long time, I forced myself to remain single and not just to accept the first man to come into my life.

We all have to undergo a lot of work in order to be “ready” to meet the person of our dreams.  I had to learn about “me” and to experience “freedom” as much as I could before settling down.  At 23 years old, I was emotionally immature and needy.  So began my journey with preparing myself to finding “my dream partner”:

Rule #1:  Observe your single life and find all things that make you happy.  I know this is cliché but it’s so necessary.  Instead of focusing on what you are missing (a love partner? a nice house? etc.), focus on what good things are around you.  Things happen for us, not to us.  Exercise daily gratefulness.  One of the greatest aspects of my single life was my freedom to explore everything that I am and the close relationships I was able to build during that time.  Don’t get me wrong … in all those single years, that weaker side of me thought of “settling”, but at the same time, I knew I didn’t want to be that “better-than-nothing” girl because I feared being alone.

Rule #2:  Remain open to all opportunities during the self-exploration stage of “singledom” (I know this is not a word, but you will quickly learn that I have my own language – SUBONICS).  Remember that what you believe you want in a life partner may come in different “packages”, so be open minded when it comes to dating.  I made myself a vow that I would not settle for anything less than “The One” and as such, I was able to determine relatively quickly whether a love interest was my fit or not.  Once you have determined that the love interest is not “The One”, you can still enjoy time spent with him/her.  This mindset simply manages your expectations.  There is nothing more satisfying than spending time with a love interest when both are open and honest about where everything stands.  Don’t expect it to be something it is not.  If you don’t see the “forever happily ever after”, then don’t try to make it into that.  Of course, there is always a chance you both may fall into a deeper relationship if it’s meant to be, but don’t “expect” it.  Expectations lead to misery if they are not realistic.

Rule #3:  Learn to really enjoy the alone times.   Although it is extremely important to maintain a healthy social life, we need to also take the time to understand who we are as a stand-alone person.  So many single people I know are either loners with little social interaction or way too busy socializing because they are running away from being alone.  It is critical that there is a balance between these two things.  Being out there interacting enables us to connect with others, which leads to greater self-confidence, but this has to be counterbalanced by taking the time to focus on ourselves and to recharge.

Rule #4:  Make a list of every quality you WANT in “The One”.  If you find yourself having trouble coming up with those desirable qualities, then start with what you don’t want; however, don’t only focus on what you don’t want in a life partner.  This step is only used to guide you in coming up with the list of the “want” qualities.  In the Laws of Attraction (which I will go into in more detail in another article), the Universe cannot distinguish between what you want and what you don’t want.  For example, you don’t want someone who lies, who steals, who is jobless, who doesn’t have an education, etc.  You will notice that if you take out the word “not”, then all those negative qualities are all that remain.  The Universe hears only those qualities and you will draw that to you.  Turn it around to the positive aspect, which is I WANT someone who is honest, who has integrity, who works, who is educated, etc.  You see how the slight tweak to the positive perspective can change something so dramatically?  You will be amazed with how quickly the Universe delivers your wishes when you set these intentions clearly.

Rule #5:  While single, create a life for yourself that is not contingent on having “The One”.   Work on your career, be financially independent, and find passionate interests/hobbies that you can pursue.  Be OK with the thought that you may be single forever, and then be ready to see “The One” appear at any time.

To be in the position to draw “The One” to you and for you to even see him/her, it first requires a lot of authenticity and honesty to reach the level of self-love.  Of course, “The One” can be anyone who you are meant to meet at different stages of life.  That is why you want to be emotionally and psychologically healthy and strong to draw the best soulmate to you.  It took me ten years to figure it all out.  The moment came on an August day in 2002 when I was walking around Park n Shop (grocery store in Singapore) and I said to myself “Gosh, I am so happy with my life … wonderful family/friends, many love interests to choose from, successful career and all the freedom in the world … this could be my reality even in 20 years at 50 years old, and I’m cool with it …”.   Of course, two weeks later I met “The One” … I met my Ultimate Soulmate.

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